William H. Johnson

Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Confession of a Nerd-Jock

In Humor on July 13, 2012 at 10:34 am

 

My name is Bill, and I am a nerd-jock. I’m a trekkie and a pro-football fanatic. I write fantasy, and coach high school football. In what little free time I have I oscillate between episodes of Star Trek on Netflix and game highlights from previous seasons on NFL.com.

Is this right? Should I see a doctor? As you could see from my last post, I keep a pretty busy schedule day in and day out. When I have a little time I grab my iPad and go right to the web. I do not pass go and I do not collect 200 dollars. No other entertainment gets a fair shot. It’s sci-fi or football. Not football movies, mind you–football. Football movies tend to be pretty horrible (See Any Given Sunday).

Perhaps I need some sort of cultural experience in my media intake. Like an obligatory episode of CSI: Somewhere once a week. Or something on the Food Network because there must be some social code against this.

Please, please send help before I start referring to football helmets as shields, the speed of Titans Running Back Chris Johnson in terms of warp factor, or throwing yellow hankies at the screen whenever Seven-of-nine or T’Pol appear to penalize them fifteen yards for unsportsmanlike wardrobes.

Not mad at ya, T’Pol. But that will be a 15-yard penalty.

Please, please send help.

Book Cover Blondness: Gina’s Revenge

In Humor on January 20, 2010 at 1:30 am

Let me begin this story by saying that officially I am not one to associate intelligence with hair color. I’m not a “haircolorist.” I swear! I have plenty of blond friends.

That said, I will confess that for quite a while I teased my dear blond-to-the-core friend Gina from high school for a question she posed to me one day in social studies class. We were studying the “Civil War.” Over the course of a few days our teacher took us through many of the basics: the war’s impact on the slavery policy, the historical significance of General Robert E. Lee, the Battles of Bull Run, etc.  Somewhere about three quarters of the way through the unit Gina turned to me and asked:

“Yeah, but Bill, who won the Civil War?”

In time this became an iconic moment in our friendship, periodically relived throughout high school, in e-mails during college, and while reconnecting over facebook years later.  She remained a good sport about it, blaming her “blondness.” Little did I know she was waiting sinisterly for just the right moment when I would slip and fall prey to an inner blondness of which I was unaware…

Now fast forward to last Wednesday morning. A preview of my book cover arrives in my e-mail box from my production manager and I enter a state of unadulterated shock. I quickly decided that I needed some immediate reactions so I logged onto facebook looking for friends I could show it to.

There online was Gina. I was so excited and nervous to share the image that I went ahead and messaged her. Her usual cheerful reply popped up.

“Gina!” I wrote, eagerly. “Are you near a computer??”

She paused for a moment – and then it hit me. We’re IM chatting on facebook. Um..DUH.

Busted.

The time had come. Her revenge was at hand. She promptly updated her status:

I just had a friend I was chatting with ask me if I was near a computer. Guess I am not the only one who has blond moments 🙂

So ends an era, I guess. Now a new one begins.  I’m not talking about becoming a published author. No, I’m talking about the Era of the Tie Score.

Bill 1 – Gina 1.